My health has been testing me. My soul is tired. Through my doctors eyes the unknown future is filled with optimism. My future seems to have an everlasting cloud overhead. I may have good days but my illness will be there. Forever. Looming overhead. Like the word "but" in a sentence. I was told once to never use the word in a sentence because it voids any thoughts, feelings, etc that appear prior to the word. My cloud being "but" and looming suggests that all good moments have a negative twist. All that aside I survive.
I'm struggling with not being a contributing member of society. I had a career that I loved. Working in a pharmacy I was helping people feel better. You come in at your most vulnerable state, you trust me, I make you smile. Briefly you forget about being sick, because of me. It was very rewarding. Such a twisted irony. When I went for my last I.V. I was so annoyed. I was in a mood and I wanted to be left alone. I was mad because I saw 3 Orencia patients bouncing around. I was mad "why doesn't it work for me"? The nurse was trying to make me laugh and I have to hand it to her she was hysterical. That just made me more mad because I wanted to sulk. That makes me think. Was I really making my patients happy or were they just to beat to care I was invading their feelings?
Joe says I am contributing because I am a mom and a wife. That's not enough. I'm done with resting all day to barely fit in QT when they both don't get home until 7. I want to work. I loved my job. I want my body to cooperate so I can not be the one who always needs the help. I didn't learn all I know about medications so I could help me. I did it so I could help you.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I have been married to my husband 15 years and we have a beautiful 12 year old daughter. I was diagnosed with RA 8 years ago. I am a Nationally Licensed Massage Therapist and a Nationally Certified Pharmacy Technician. My mission is to raise awareness and understanding of the general public and those suffering from RA by telling my story and sharing what I've learned in school. The information on this site should not be used in place of, but rather to compliment directives from your healthcare professional. ~last modified 7/26/16